My Thoughts, My Mind.
I can't explain this feeling that I feel. It's like my whole world is crashing around me and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and alone without human contact, yet the contact I crave for I can't get. It seems the more my affection grows, the farther away he moves. I want to feel him around me, hear him speak, see his smile. I want to feel his strong arms hold me again. I want to feel his soft lips against mine. I want to feel his words play around in my mind. I want to know him. He's such a mystery this one. He's so vague yet so deep. He keeps me up at night with thoughts of a better tomorrow. Unfortunately he doesn't have my time.
Thats not what scares me. I'm not afraid to say I love him, but I am afraid of what that may entail. He's a catch. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He's friendly, to those he deems worthy. He's a babe magnet and doesn't seem to mind. I'm afraid I'm not up to standard. I'm afraid I won't live up to expectation. I'm afraid he'll get bored and leave. I'm afraid he has someone else that is satisfying his needs. I'm afraid he's just another scam artist.
Most of all, I'm afraid that it's all for real and he really does love me. If that's the case, then I'm in trouble. I'm not supposed to fall in love with an outsider. He's great, but not up to standard. He may not be able to stand the test of time. How I wish things were simpler. But someone once said that life is not life unless it's complicated. But why is mine so much more???
I hate the fact that I cannot love as I please. I hate the fact that my heart keeps getting torn in two every time I decide to let it go. I hate the fact that no one seems to understand my ordeal n I hate that I can't tell anyone because I feel it's a burden. I just wish, for once, I could be happy and not just any form of happiness, sheer joy! Ecstasy! Pleasure!
Happiness that will put a huge smile on my face and a huge sigh to my heart and the word 'finally' to my lips. But everyone except me is busy. Even he is busy. No one has that kind of time for a messed up girl like me. Life is moving on but I'm standing still. I can't seem to get out of this rut. I'm hopeless I know. My life is a circle.
God, well, he isn't the center anymore. I dnt know if he ever was. He's always so far, His presence anyway. I know he's here but I don't feel him. I don't think I ever did. I always have this notion that he's disappointed in me n is punishing me with dis pain because of all the nonsense I’ve done in my life.
I have secrets, like everyone else, yet mine eat at me every night. As a pastors kid I know I'm supposed to be holier than the rest but I'm just like everyone else. I talk about God and the Bible like its second nature but I don't even follow half of what I say. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite. A hypocrite who's madly in love with the smartest guy she's ever met.
Funny how he hasn't seen through that particular façade, guess I'm really good at pretending. I know this is a long 'epistle', but I'm just tired of keeping everything in. Maybe one day I'll write something joyous. Maybe someday I'll be able to be with the man I truly want to be with. Maybe one day he'll notice my pain n take da time to ask. But I doubt that, no one is that willing to take on such a task. I guess I'll hv to continue living with this pain. Maybe one day I'll wake up n it'll be gone. Maybe.
